Monday, 9 February 2015

What Kind of Factors are Bad for Shidduchim?

We've spoken about the crisis happening in Shidduchim. We've begun to share a little about those on our Shidduch database, now we come to another issue. What kind of factors are bad for Shidduchim? Have you considered this?

In the years we went through the Shidduch process we began to notice some problems. Since switching to the other side and assisting as Shadchanim, we are finding some new ones and other issues to be reinforced.

Here are some problems that we have identified and that we have heard from singles:

- Habits: Habits are usually good as they can help one to have consistency in behaviour, daily routine etc. However, there are habits that are bad for Shidduchim. These would be habits such as - drinking, smoking, biting your nails, bad manners, bad language and fidgeting in a way that is off putting to the one sitting opposite you.

- Hygiene: This is a part of habits but to be more specific we have had singles complain if someone goes on a date with bad breath or some aspect of hygiene that is problematic. 

- Involvement: There are times a couple needs some assistance from the Shadchan, a rabbi or good friend but when too many people get involved, this can cause a problem.

- Dishonesty: Some of our singles have complained about dishonesty while others do not understand where the problem is. Imagine for a moment that you agree to a date with person x only to arrive at the date to find someone who looks different to the photo shown to you, has different information to that outlined to you, is a different age, has different colour eyes or a myriad of other discrepancies. How would you feel? On the whole, being dishonest is a big problem for Shidduchim and something that is bound to come to light somewhere along the Shidduch process. 

- Goals: Many either have no idea what their life goals are or have set goals that are either unrealistic or not practical or not suitable to their lives. If your goals are unclear or problematic in anyway, this can be a problem for Shidduchim

- Being Fussy: More and more we are finding that singles on our database refuse a very good potential date due to being very fussy over physical attributes that can change with time. If you are too fussy, it can be a problem for Shidduchim

Age Preference: A major problem we are finding as are others, is that on the whole, women like to marry men who are their age or older until they reach their 50s or 60s and then women often, but not always, will say they prefer a younger man as they do not wish to take care of an ill older spouse. Many or most men on the other hand tend to want women in their 20s no matter what age the man is. This is creating a group of women who are being left with no-one to date.

References: There are times that the reference ends up giving us a string of negative feedback about the person we are trying to help set up. If the person you are selecting is not on your side, do not give their name as a reference, they might turn away potential Shidduchim who could be very suitable. On the other hand, a reference who wont say anything at all, is just as much of a strain to the Shidduch process.

What are your thoughts about Shidduchim. Have you noticed anything to be a problem or even bad for Shidduchim? We'd like to hear from you so please post your comment below.

This post is prepared for you by Shoshanah Shear of Chessed Ve'Emet

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